What is Autism

I watched a preview of an NBC show, Parenthood, a few weeks ago.The preview shows two parents struggling with telling their son he has Aspergers. The son asks "What is Aspbergers?" to which the parents reply, "It's a form of autism". The son then asks "What is Autism?". This is met with uncomfortable silence. Since watching this preview, I have been asking myself that very question. What is Autism? The simple answer is that Autism is a Pervasive Developmental Disorder. However, there is nothing simple about it at all.

I have an 8 year old daughter who was diagnosed with Autism 6 years ago. I can remember absolutely every detail of the meeting with her Developmental Pediatrican and the Psychologist. I remember the placement of the toys in the room, the disarray of the desk and the generic posters on the wall extolling the virutes of ABC's. I remember looking at the Doctors uniform and comparing it to the psychologists civilian attire. I remember everything to the point where we were told that our daugher was autistic. I remember the lurching in my stomach and the feeling of wanting to throatpunch the idiots across from me but after that I remember nothing. I don't remember driving home or anything else about that day.

In the six years since that day, I have asked myself everyday, why? Why Alexandra? Why my beautiful, smart, wonderful girl? Why has she been ripped away from me. Why? I seldom ask What? But now I ask, What? What is Autism? That it is a spectrum means it is all different things to all different people. I can only speak to me. Autism to me is a sick game. It is a sneak who came into my daughters room when she was 17 months old and stole a piece of her from us. It stole our ability to communicate with her. It stole words from us. It stole hugs from us. It stole real eye contact from us. It stole Love from us. Autism is a sneaky thief who breaks into your heart and soul and steals random chunks of it. Then it really plays games. It starts to show you small glimpes of your child. Tiny fragments of the 'normal' child she once was. It shows you hope then quickly snatches it back seemingly laughing at you as it does. Autism is the monster under the bed. You cannot see it but it is there just waiting to take more.

Autism means always saying sorry. Apologising for your child blanking someone who is trying to talk to her. Apologising for the vase she smashed at a friends house when she became overwhelmed at a tv channel not being available to her. Apologising to the man in WalMart who she screams at because he has the audacity to be cheerfully whistling. It is saying sorry for not being able to attend certain functions because you know it will overwhelm her. Saying sorry to your other child that you are unable to attend his school open house because his sister has therapy that afternoon. Saying sorry to your other child because his sister destroyed his carefully crafted solar system.

Autism is never feeling balanced. Always feeling as though you are sacrificing quality in one area to give to another. Inadequate in parenting skills. Useless at advocating for your child. Lacking as a wife. Never feeling as though any one area of your life is in check.

Autism is being in a car constantly driving to therapies. Constantly guaging your childs mood to see if something is viable. Trying to circumnavigate any situation that may cause a meltdown.

Autism is a bitch.

I was once told that I needed to grieve and mourn for my child. Grieve for the loss of the child you thought you had. Mourn the removal of dreams and replace them with your new reality. On a good day, I refuse to do tihs. I refuse to accept less because she is autistic. I refuse to believe that she is not going to fulfill the Duke University/Med school dreams that I have for her. But on other days, I realise mourning may be the best thing for me.

My daughter is autistic. It took me the longest time to say that out loud and I still have issues saying it. She is so many other things. She is gifted in so many areas. She amazes me on a daily basis. But she is autistic and this will define her if we let it.

What is Autism? It is my enemy,my foe and one day, I hope to make it my bitch.